Wacky Legend of the Five Rings fiction Bites
by Daimyo Shi
Summary: Random wacky laugh bits from Diamond Edition Legend of the Five Rings
1. Default Chapter

Wacky Fanfiction Bite from Legend of the Five Rings

  
  


By: Daimyo Shi AKA Bayashi Hajime

  
  


Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of the Five Rings or the many characters use in this story they come from the minds of those employed with AEG.

  
  
  
  


Warning this is extremely Wacky L5R nonsense. I am not responsible for brain damage cause by such antics. read at you own risk.

  
  


The tension about the Toshi Ranbo has reach and all time high. Matsu Nimuro has told the Crane to fight him. Currently the Lion and Crane are standing ready for battle. Curiously, Doji Kurohito is not present.

"What the hell is the hold up?" asks Matsu Nimuro.

"Uh just a second, Matsu-sama. Our lord was having trouble with his armour." says some nameless Crane.

"Can't you Crane do anything Right?" says Matsu Nimuro.

As if to answer his question, Kurohito [April Lee version] Struts out to the Front of his army. Kid Rock's 'Bawitdaba' plays as he comes out. A number of Samurai-ko on both sides drool. Kurohito is Dressed in his blue Crane armour with his Daisho all polished up, Classic style Ray-ban shades and a powder blue fedora with a White band and long white feather. Is struts to the middle of the field. He takes out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. He then pulls a Cowboy Bebop Zippo out and lights it. He takes big drag on it and slow exhales the smoke.

"So Nimuro, you think that the Crane clan lit the fire to cause you trouble, eh? I tell you that it is not true, you have my word!" Kurohito begins another Drag on his cigarette.

"Doji you are not taking this serious enough!" growls Nimuro.

"Hey I take everything seriously! Nimuro, but I am offended that you would think so poorly of me. Still I willing to deal with it, they say that the Lion are capable of anything. I like to put that to the test!" says Kurohito with a cocky smile.

Nimuro is mad as hell right now so he snarl "What ever you can do I can do better!"

"I see then. I challenge you to a 'Pimp Off' then Nimuro.

A collective sigh of reassignment goes through the Lion Ranks the lead Akodo thinks [No one can beat a Crane at a pimp off. I told him it could happen but did he listen to me. NO!! Baka, Baka, Baka.]

Nimuro hesitates for a moment before says "I accept."

"Well then you pick ten women from your side and I pick ten from mine and the one that make swoon the most wins, Ok." says Kurohito

"Hai."sighs Nimuro.

Each of them pick ten women from their armies and they sit in the middle of the field in full view of both armies.

"You want to go first or second Nimuro." says Kurohito.

"Second." [That way I can just coincide defeat.]

Kurohito starts with a stern look Matsu woman. "Hello Matsu-chan, you look very lovely today on this beautiful summer day." says Kurohito as he strokes her cheek. The Matsu remains unmoved. Kurohito continues "Your eyes are beautiful as a Midwinter's evening sky. The kind of eyes a man could get lost in forever." in the background of both armies bet can be heard being made. A hint of a smile graces the Matsu's face. Kurohito smiles himself, "your smile reminds me of the first day of spring, such a feeling of hope and newness." Says Kurohito "A early spring morning as the flowers are budding and a Man's thought turn to love."

"Oh Doji-sama!" says the Matsu women with big hearts in her eyes. As time goes on, Kurohito make every single women Swoon.

"Your turn Nimuro." says Kurohito.

"Forget it, you win this time Doji." growls Nimuro. Nimuro orders his troops to withdraw.

Doji Koruhito take bows as his army claps!

  
  


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Emperor Toturi III is sitting in court listing to some courtier drone on about how he needs imperial help to deal with some flood. When suddenly the door to the court open wide and a woman enters. Dressed in a Red and Black Kimono that hands of the shoulders showing her cleavage walks a woman of impeccable grace and beauty. All the men are drooling, Doji Kurohido even has his tongue hanging out. Doji Akiko slaps him so hard that he hits the ground. His sister, Doji Yasuyo standing beside her now down brother is trying to wipe her own drool away hoping that her down downed brother had distracted everyone from her own action.

A lion close the Emperor, manages "Halt , who are you?"

"I am Shosuro Kachiko, I have come to ask If the Emperor will have me as his wife." says Shosuro Kachiko.

"Yep! Of Course!" says Toturi III "Hey ever one leave! I have an another appointment!"

Everyone files out of the Court room and all the men and one woman have one thought [Lucky bastard!]

  
  


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In their bed chamber sit Hida Kuon and Hida Reiha. Kuon is stroking Reiha's hair

"You are so beautiful tonight, you take my my breath away."

"Oh Kuon-kun you are so romantic." says Reiha as she strokes Kuon's cheek, feeling his whiskers.

Heavy foot steps have be heard running down the hall and then there is knock on the door.

"Kuon-toma!"

"WHAT!" yells a very displeased Kuon.

The door is torn open. "The Shadowlands are launching an attack! There is at least a couple thousand of them!"

"Again!" shouts Reiha.

"Kuso! I make them pay for interrupting my Noogie! I bash them so far into the ground that they come up in the Gaijin lands!" says Kuon as he grabs his Hammer and Daisho.

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Toturi the Third slams his fis on the arm rest of his throne. "Where is the Emerald Champion!"

"He is coming Toturi-toma!" says one of the courtiers.

"He better get her soon!" says Toturi.

The court doors open and Yasuki Hachi is walking town the centre of the the room in a Emerald Green silk double breasted Suit and a Green Fedora with a long white feather coming out of the band. On his left arm is a Stunning Beautiful Crane woman with a Blue off the Shoulder kimono and On his right is a equally stunning phoenix woman wearing a fiery orange Kimono. He take his arms off them, which make the pout cutely. And bows to Toturi the Third.

"I am deeply sorry my lord." says Hachi as he raises hsi arms up to show his wrists. Each of them has a piece of red silk tied around it with a bit hang of that has been cut. "I was a bit tied up when you messenger got to my house."


	2. Chapter 2

Random Legend of Five Rings Bites

By: Doji Hajime

Disclaimer: I don't own L5R, AEG does, I only own copies of cards and RPGs.

Doji Kurohito was not having a good day. The court was in a shambles, his military staff couldn't agree long enough to send out a patrol group. It had taken him hours to make just a couple small troop adjustments. It was time to go to his quarters and relax with his wife. Maybe he share a nice steamy hot bath with her.

He slid the door to their room aside and found a very shocking sight. There on the futon that Kurohito and his wife slept on every night was His wife, Akiko and his cousin, Doji Yasuyo. They were both naked and enjoying each other so much that they didn't notice Kurohito until he screamed and fled.

Akiko called after her husband "Wait, it is not what you think."

Yasuyo looked at Akiko with a look of disbelief "Akiko-chan we are naked and had each other's hands all over our bodies. I fail to see how it could not be what he thinks."

In the Court yard of Kyuden, Doji Kurohito finds the Emerald Champion , Yasuki Hachi reviewing a letter. Seeing his Daimyo well one of them with tears in his eyes deeply concerned Hachi.

"Kurohito-sama, what is bothering you?" asks Hachi

"I . . . I . . .By the all the Kami, I found my wife making love with Yasuyo." cries Kurohito.

"I can't believe that, that is Terrible, Kurohito-sama." replies Hachi. (I wonder how that looked, it must have been pretty hot.)

Kurohito sits beside Hachi and leans his head on Hachi's shoulder. Hachi nearly instinctively puts his arm around Kurohito in an effort to console him. "It could have been worse."

"How could it possible be worse?" asks Kurohito.

"Well, it could have been Kaneka or Matsu Nimaro."

"Ok, you are right that would be much worse. What am I going to do?" replies Kurohito.

"I am not certain." replies Hachi.

Doji Nagori walks in to the courtyard. "Oops, sorry didn't mean to disturb your tryst."

"What! Are you implying I am gay now Nagori-kun!" says Hachi.

"Oh, boy guess he is not in a jesting mood." says Nagori as he runs away. Both Hachi and Kurohito are hot on his heels.

"How dare you say your Daimyo is Gay. You are going to wish the Shadowlands had you instead of us, when we are through!" yells Kurohito.

"Nagori-kun, you have slandered me for the last time." says Hachi.

In the doorway leading to Kurohito's Bedroom stands both Yasuyo and Akiko wrapped in sheets.

"Well I guess Kurohito's mind is off our indiscretion for now." says Yasuyo.

"Poor Nagori, I not sure he going to live this time." responds Akiko.


	3. Chapter 3

Toturi the Third Vs. Kaneka the Final Confrontation!

By: Doji Hajime

The Shogun has surrounded the Toshi Ranbo, the loyalist armies have shattered and the Shogun has broken into the Imperial palace. He has entered the great hall. On the Steel Throne, Sits Toturi the Third rather calmly. To one side stand Bayushi Sunetra she has readied a katana in one hand and a set of Surikan in the other, poisoned no doubt. to the other stands the Empress, Toturi Kurako, Her Katana drawn and a scowl on her face. just before the Emperor stand his Emerald Champion, Yasuki Hachi in a Kakita draw stance that is perfect. Kaneka in his armour but without his helmet and mempo, has a big smirk on his face. At his side stands Shiba Daijiro.

"You are defeated, Brother! the Clans that supported lay shattered at the hands of my army. The Unicorn, Lion, Phoenix, Mantis and scorpion have joined me. The Crane forces are shattered, the Crab that supported them are no more. Only the Crab on the wall lay untouched, the new Crab Champion Kisada refuses to march for you and abandon his duty. Our Brother Sezaru has become the oracle of Void, replacing your mother. you have nothing except those here in this mostly empty room."

"I am not defeated yet, Kaneka." says Toturi the Third, with a level of confidence far above that which even the bravest samurai can fake in the face of certain defeat.

Toturi Kurako take a step forward, "You are a disgrace, Kaneka. You shame the Akodo, the Lion and your father." Says Toturi Kurako with a bitter venom in her voice that can almost be seen.

"You wounds me, Kurako-chan." says Kaneka.

"You are not emperor yet! Kaneka, you will refer to my wife with respect." Snarls Toturi the Third.

Kaneka laughs, "I shall be in minutes, what stand before me in no threat." says Kaneka.

"You are nothing more than a son of a Eta, neither Lion or Scorpion blood can run in your veins. Nothing more than fouled water is your blood." spits Sunetra.

"Please, where do you think I managed such tricks if not from the Scorpion." says Kaneka.

"The Scorpion know loyalty, you are not worth loyalty. The scorpion will avenge the Emperor." says Sunetra.

"Hah! I doubt it, they are firmly behind me." says Kaneka.

"You faced me once before, Kaneka. You were the victor that day, however that was sometime ago. I am much more skilled today than that day. Duel me Kaneka, let us settle this as men." says Hachi.

"No, Hachi I shall take care of this." says Toturi the Third "Stand aside."

"Toturi-tomo?" says Hachi not yet moving.

"Trust me, I know what I am doing." says Toturi the Third with a smirk as big as any ever seen in the near 1200 years of the Empire.

" . . ." Hachi gets out of the Emperor's Way. Toturi the Third gets up.

Kurako grabs her husband's kimono "wait . . . "

Toturi the third turns slightly and give her his knowing smile and a wink. Strangely this reassures Kurako and she lets go.

Kaneka stands looking at his brother with crossed arms and a smirk. "What could you possibly take care of me with?" says Kaneka with voice so sure of itself it seems to pat Kaneka on the back.

"This." says Toturi the Third from his Kimono sleeve. a small rectangular collection of paper some held together between some thick paper. The front is tan and red with a image that looks vaguely like a human being. On the tan banner on the left side of this object are the words Wind of War.

"NNOOOOOOOOOO!" cries Kaneka and the jumps back trying to shield his face from the object in Toturi the Third's hands.

"Yes." says Toturi the Third with a even wider smirk. He moves forward with the Object in his hand driving Kaneka back. Soon there nowhere for Kaneka to go. Daijiro cusses under his breath "if only Kaneka was a Shugenja."

Toturi presses the object against the forehead of Kaneka. Kaneka catches fire. He Screams as he is consumed by the flames.

Deep in the shadows of the Throne room a masked spirit with an oddly clutched hand whispers to himself, "Well that was filling."

Deep in the Shadowlands, Daigotsu sits watching the action in a obsidian mirror. "Shahai-chan? am I that evil?" says Daigotsu. Shahai is draped over her loving man. "well, Daigotsu-kun . . . Not really but there is no shame in being the second evilest man in Rokugan."

Daigotsu sulks. Shahai tries to stroke away Daigotsu pain.

Deep in the darkness corners of Jigoku, in the Kyuden of Fu Leng, fu leng, Oni no Akuma and The First Oni are viewing the events from the throne room.

Fu Leng shakes his head "damn, that was Cruel! I mean not even I would pul that kind of stuff."

the first Oni nods.

In the realms of Tengoku, The thunders and several Kami have been watching the events.

"That is my boy!" says Toturi with a puffed out chest.

"OUR boy, Toturi-chan" says Toturi Kaede

"They are both your boys." mutters Hoturi.

"Hey, I never killed my son!" says Toturi.

"I didn't know, damn it! I swear if you bring it up again I borrowing Hida's Tetsubo and beating you within an inch of your immortal life!" snarls Hoturi.

"Well it was an amusing story." says Ikoma taking a drag of his pipe.

The end

I hope I have inspired a chuckle at least. If not well tough:P

If Daidoji Gisei annotated this I be the happiest Crane on the boards.


End file.
